Shedding Sexual Shame
One of the earliest messages I absorbed about sex was that it was not for me.
As a child watching tv with my dad, I distinctly remember in the middle of more than one movie, he would suddenly cover my eyes, make a disapproving grunting sound, and then uncover them after a while, with no explanation. I even voluntarily began covering my own eyes after that, sensing when a sex scene was about to come on. Sex is forbidden, is what I learned.
Then when I was a teen, my parents discouraged me from dating in high school, to not distract from college-bound (or further) “success” (which could be an experience particular to being a daughter of immigrants). Why or how exactly it’d be a distraction I wasn't even sure, though I sensed it had to do with physical intimacy. Bad things will happen if you get involved with boys, is what I deduced.
It’s been decades since then, yet I can vividly call up these memories as I’ve been reflecting on the insidious impact of shame on sexual pleasure and freedom. Shame thrives in the dark – unspoken and hidden, which is how I felt, essentially blindfolded as a child.
While my parents’ actions can be understandable as an effort to protect me, the messages I took left unhealthy beliefs that stayed with me well into adulthood. I became a “successful” lawyer, with far less success in my romantic life.
Sources of sexual shame
What is sexual shame? According to one sex-positive gynecologist, it’s feeling shame about who you want to have sex with, when you want to have sex, how you want to have sex, what you want to use during sex, how you look, and how you compare. It’s the critical internal voice that keeps you from speaking your truth about what you want, what you need, and what you deserve with your partner, which is essential to true connection.
Sexual shame is learned through socialization and group norms. It stems from messaging ranging from our family, sex ed in school that focused on risk and danger rather than pleasure, medical professionals, religion (such as purity culture), peers, and the media.
Signs and examples of sexual shame
You have self-judgment, self-consciousness, or insecurity about your body or genitals (“This body part is too big,” or “This body part is not big enough.”)
You exhibit closed physical postures or diminished voice (such as feeling inhibited from making sounds during sex, or having difficulty expressing your desires or needs)
You experience sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction (as shame can close off the flow of sexual energy needed to produce arousal or orgasm)
You avoid intimacy and relationships (such as not dating for years due to feeling terrified of becoming sexually intimate)
You view sex as “wrong” (including sexual acts and/or positions, pleasure, and fantasies and turn-ons; such as feeling regret after masturbation)
You have discomfort talking about sex (feeling nervous or embarrassed when the topic comes up)
Do any of these sound like you? If so, you are not alone. I’ve experienced ALL of them.
It was in the non-judgmental context of therapy and coaching, as well as engaging with a range of physical, energetic, and spiritual healing modalities (such as trauma-informed intuitive movement) that I began the gradual process of unearthing, addressing, and releasing these long-held beliefs and ways of being. I still continue to catch and challenge negative thoughts and inhibited behaviors.
The intention for my newsletter is to shine light upon and reduce shame around sex by sharing my experiences and learnings, to create a safe space for you to consider more pleasure and confidence in your own body. Because informed, empowered sex is FUN!